Ron Weasley's Guide to Camping
by The Jolly Blue Pencil
Summary: How to survive in the wild. Includes a complementary hatchet for the mosquitos. Rule numero uno: Don't go camping.


**Written for toothlessbean's Humor Competition**

A Guide to Camping for Wizardkind, written by Ronald Weasley

Foreword

Congratulations! You hold in your hands the key to easy, safe, comfortable camping. Just kidding. There's no such thing. Especially if you're about to take a camping trip with your family. My wife, Hermione, suggested teaching our children Muggle appreciation by going camping like Muggles; my children do not know one end of a pine tree from another. After camping for a week, at least one of them had gone missing, and the other was covered in mud and completely unrecognizable. And I was considering divorce.

What a happy family trip this is going to be for you! Enjoy this book. I'm certified as a camping expert by my extensive experience: I spent a week in Hell with my family as stated. I also camped months in the wilderness on a trip with Hermione and my best friend Harry, during which I was semi-possessed by the Dark Lord and which I left halfway through. Camping really builds you as a person.

Chapter One: Basic Rules

The 1st rule is: Do not go camping, anywhere, ever.

If you violate this rule, the 2nd rule is: never have children, so that at least the stupidity gene does not spread.

The 3rd rule is: never go with people you like. I tried that once, with my friends Harry and Hermione, and I did not speak to them for months. If you DO go with friends, you should:

a) first get them to repay all the money they owe you, because you are not going to get it back after.

b) don't take a piece of the Dark Lord's soul and hang it around your neck. It tends to aggravate things.

4th : Bug spray. This is more valuable than toilet paper. Treasure it. Because in the wilderness there are mosquitos as large as hippogriffs. If you do not take bug spray, one minute you could be peacefully lying in your tent, the next carried off to their stronghold where they will torture you by sucking you dry of blood and forcing you to listen to Barry Manilow, a Muggle torture expert.

5th : A tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in ''a three-man tent''; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a blow torch, to seal the nooks and crannies of the tent so the spiders don't get in; a fire extinguisher, because, you idiot, tents are made of cloth and will catch on fire if you try to blowtorch them; and Muggle money, for the motel.

6th : Find an adequate camping space. For example, there are spectacular national park systems with millions of unspoiled acres, where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. Wildlife should be gunned down like it's the zombie apocalypse, not protected. Find a commercial facility, where the largest animal is the domesticated fridge.

7th : Take navigation equipment. The actual item depends on how lost you want to get. If you want to get only a little lost, take a GPS. Using a GPS, if for example you're camping in the moors of Scotland, will only get you as lost as Dublin. If you want to get moderately lost, take a map. A 'map' is a colloquial term used in prehistoric times meaning 'a completely useless piece of paper that looks like it's been crayoned on by a drunk monkey'. Actually a drunk monkey would probably navigate his way around, sans map, better than you would _with_ a map. And the third option is to use a compass. The only advice I can offer about compasses is this: if you do end up using one, make sure you pack warm clothes because you will likely end up in Siberia.

If you get truly lost, listen to the sounds around you. If you hear kangaroos bellowing their orders to the Outback, that is Australia and you should be prepared to be drowned in perpetual optimism. If you hear this sound: ''eh-eh-eh'', that is Canada. Whatever you do, do NOT go that way.

Chapter Two: For the Sportier Witch or Wizard

1st: No outdoor activity is too hazardous. In fact, the more it endangers your health, the better. For my friend Harry, this meant diving into an ice covered pool wearing nothing but his skinnies and an evil necklace that tried to kill him. For example, you could climb sheer cliffs barehanded; you could ride bicycles down steep ski slopes; you could leap off mountainsides and soar hundreds of feet in the air suspended from something similar to a cafe awning. Anything that makes you want to puke sheer adrenaline.

2nd : Wearing more than underwear and a necklace is advisable. Every Muggle camper I've seen is wearing a helmet and those extremely formfitting shorts that outdoorsy people wear to ensure that their personal characteristics are visible from Mars. They are usually also a sickening shade of neon.

3rd : Try kayaking. A kayak is a small boat that gets its name from the Eskimo words ''kaya','' meaning ''boat,'' and '' 'ak,'' meaning ``that should not be used by anyone who is not a certified Eskimo.'' Do not fall out of the kayak. If you do, you will likely get spawned upon by thousands of male salmon.

Kayaking rivers are classified by number:

Most likely this is a kiddie pool and you are just confused. You should go find a real river before getting peed on by that two year old. Oh wait, that's my son...I thought he went missing in the forest.

You can probably handle this one. In fact, you could probably float down it in those dolphin floaties you got for Christmas (that you swore you wouldn't use).

Difficult. There are rocks, which boats surprisingly have a hard time with.

Very difficult. Churning waters everywhere. Likely caused by the desperate salmon, who are now trying to spawn with the rocks.

This is so difficult that you would be safer trying to jump from a moving car into a shotglass. (**Star Trek anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) **At least with the shotglass you are comfortingly reminded of alcohol.

Actually, if you were stupid enough to go camping in the first place, this class is the one for you. This way the stupidity gene will not be perpetuated.

4th : To quote the famous woodsman, John Muir: 'flyfishing is fun out the ba-dunka-junk'. Of course John had recently eaten some odd-looking mushrooms he found in Yosemite National Park. Flyfishing consists of wearing boots reaching up to your thigh that make your legs look like they've contracted some sort of degenerate disease, in order to keep out the muck reaching up to your waist. You spend days and possibly years gathering moss in order to catch a fish the size of a withered carrot, which you then take endless pictures of as if you've just caught the Loch Ness monster.

Chapter Three: Other Necessary Supplies

1st : a hatchet for the mosquitos.

2nd : approximately the world's supply of bacon. For breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you are gone more than one day, you will need more bacon.

3rd : Toilet paper. This tip only applies to the women. True men will use leaves as Merlin intended.

4th : a lawyer, to help facilitate the divorce.

And that concludes it! I hope, after reading this, you have come to important conclusions. First, you and your spouse have gotten a prenuptial agreement. Second, you have come to a greater appreciation for Muggles, who have clawed their way out of a magic-less cesspool of mosquitos and river rapids. Third, you are not even reading this because your disgust for anything relating to camping has caused you to throw this book far away.

In that case, I have done my duty. I can finally go back to cleaning up my other child, who is still not clean after three years of bathing.

**Ehehe. This was crazy fun to write. Please review.**


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